WILL POWER OR EMPOWERED SURRENDER

© 2009 Howard McQueen

A new friend recently moved to Asheville and invited his son to share his apartment with him. His son was a straight-A student in high-school and made 800 on the Math SAT. His son, now ten years out of high-school, is also schizophrenic.

About a month ago, his son stopped taking his meds and reverted/relapsed back into deep mental illness. My friend followed his son part way into this illness, then had a debilitating accident on his bike and he too ebbed into his own illness.

He met with his son’s mental health care team this week, as well as meeting in a NAMI (National Association of Mental Illness) sponsored support group.

As we had dinner last night, here is some wisdom he has connected to and shared with me.

Psychosis is the bazaar state and process in which the personality of one you love alters in ways you could never imagine. They will no longer be inhabiting a world that is remotely familiar to you.

When psychosis strikes your loved one, you will find that you can no longer reason or persuade them on the basis of shared understanding. This will frustrate your efforts to aid and assist them. It is critically important for family members and friends to grasp and understand this environment.

When he visited with his son in the mental institution the other day, his son confided in him, saying “Norman Schwartzkopf was in the hospital, as were the Alkida and that Rosalyn Carter was the one who injected him with the poison”.

If we take the aforementioned wisdom into the Silence, we hear my friend responding to his son by saying “Son, I know it must be really hard for you right now. Know that I love you and I will not abandon you”.

As I take this in, having had my own experiences with the extended suicide watch of a loved one, I write this note to myself and all those who have loved ones in some form of distress.

Empowered Surrender
OR
Powered by your will,
as a separate individual

Herein lies the crossroad of our consciousness
Which fork to choose?
What outcomes will we peruse?

Power of will provokes the road to efforting.
In this choice, we pour our awareness, sometimes frantically, outwardly, often trying to subsidize, stabilize and fix something outside, seen as seemingly separate from us.
For me, this road brought on “walking on eggshells”,
extreme separation, suffering and persistent feelings of "all is not at all well".

Empowered Surrender clears the way
for collapse into the Unknowing;
releasing of all personalized will and sense of controlling.
For me, learning to trust being with this darkness and silence,
allowed me to connect with the limitless possibilities
of not trying to know through the mind;
to be with whatever arises,
including the Phoenix,
the flames
and being open to that which lives only through encountering its own fear of death.

There are blessings,
waiting here, there, everywhere
for those willing to choose and practice Empowered Surrender.

May you too take in the wisdom, intimacy and tenderness invoked in this blessing!