... TULIP FIELDS OF ZANDILAND (Part 3)

Tulip Fields of Zandiland (Part 3) 11/02/09
(C) 2009 Howard McQueen

Decision made. Head towards the windmill.

The weather is like a perpetual early summer morning, the ground exudes a natural warmth. My feet and toes sink down into the loamy earth about three inches. After taking a few steps I look back and my initial indentations in the soil have almost disappeared. Mmmmm, more unusual terra behaviors. An inner voice says “you won’t be able to find you way back” and I stop to reflect, then realize that I really have nothing to return to, other than the memory that this specific place is where I first awakened. There is not anything to demarcate this spot from any other spots in the tulip fields – wait, my crow’s view memory is jogged and I see that I am at the intersection of three patches of red, orange and yellow tulip patterns, each pattern is the shape of a one-sided butterf’y wing. I mentally jot down R-O-Y Butterfly wing and this will have to do for my awakening address. I start stepping forward again towards the windmill with the slightest tinge of a growing anxiety.

I notice that there is a concentration of clouds forming just above the horizon. Patterns and silvery shapes are emerging. The distant horizon shifts, becoming my much more immediate foreground in my sky now, and I watch the soft shapes of silvery cities rapidly assembling themselves. My peripheral vision of everything else is shifting into a shadowy grayscale. My body is becoming cool and slightly numb. I feel like I am being flooded with anxiety and memory fragments are rudely jolting my mind.

My view shifts and I can tell that I my eyes are closed and that the view screens are now the insides of my eyelids. My stomach is intensely cramping and my naval radiates excruciating pain. My body is tightly doubled up, in fetal position and I am now wildly hallucinating visual images. Something queues me to remember that this is a stored memory in my mind from an age of time when I was perhaps five.

I witness my awareness of self as a small child. I am experiencing my sense of my little body evaporating as I run wildly into the refuge of my mind. I sense a deep fear and foreboding arising, and it feels like I am being enveloped in a thick, sticky black as night molasses. It is oozing all over me and is now rising up above my chest, rapidly flowing over my ears, mouth and throat. I panic and start to black out, but not completely. A dim awareness is still present. It has a quiet voice which is whispering to me, “what you are witnessing are classic signs of your stored trauma. You are being asked to witness and relive a deep fear, something profound enough to cause you in your childhood to loose consciousness.” And then it says “try feeling your body”. And I do, and I see that my body is completely numb, deeply shut down as if it is experiencing shock. The inside of my eyelids now light up, and it seems that I am looking into brightly backlit kaleidoscopes, playing fantastic shifting images and symbols.

I again see images of the silvery super-fortress city, and at the center this castle is forming. It is a grand kingdom, a mental super fortress in the sky. My mind is urging me to transport there. A platinum moped flashes into my kaleidoscope vision and I am urged to hop on to escape the imposing fear of my …

FATHER. Ohhhh noooooo, not me daddy, noooottttt me …

I feel another wave of numbing anesthetic coldness course through me and I relax, even more deeply.

I am an adult, perhaps mid 50 sitting in a loving communications group session in Asheville. I am speaking about the flash rage I first consciously experienced from my dad, when I was about five. At lunch, I had spew-vomited across the table on him and then with my childish abandoned hilarity, laughed at the insanity of the moment. I watch my dad’s face contort and turn a deep beet red. I see the veins in his neck swell and pop out. I see this angry mask, once his face, pull tight, like he is preparing for the fight of his life. He stands up and rushes at me and …

One of the facilitators gently speaks up. She is inviting me to witness my annihilation by my father. What? I look around the room and almost everyone is in deep meditation, except the two facilitators. They both indicate that this is a completely safe place for me, so I close my eyes and take the invitation, and I begin to feel the sensation of being back handed, repeatedly, by my father. In my imagining, I wince, and then the beating escalates. This beating is not from a form I would know as my father. My dad has transformed into a big black alpha male gorilla-ape, beating me merciless to the point where I begin to swoon. There is complete silence and darkness. Then, the scene shifts and I am lying, face up in about eighteen inches of gentle, warm lapping surf. My broken and bloody body has drifted over a shallow coral bed and has been caught in the coral. I can somehow see myself, all battered and torn, and surprisingly, this actually brings me consolation. I sense I am nearing my death, but do not despair, as there is this feeling of acceptance – resignation and with that, a relaxing. I hear sea gulls nearby. I feel the nibble of minnows already beginning to snack on what meat and flesh remains of me. The sky is this luscious inviting vanilla and there is now this profound sense of peace. I know my letting go is imminent now, and the world will take over and begin reclaiming the broken vessel that was mine to inhabit. And I sigh once more, looking out at this incredibly raw, tropical paradise and deeply breath out and then I do, finally, fully let go …

There is an unwavering stillness and silence.

My eyes are closed and they are very moist. There is a translucent light, like sunlight diffusing through white, raw silk drapery. There is a gentle warmness. I feel hands wrapped around the top of my head and neck, gently rocking and massaging me.

“Come out of your head dear child” is a felt message, coming to me without any voice, more of a musical lullaby

This vibrational voice brings a raising of the veil of anesthesia. I taste clarity.

I have the sensation that there are hands around my head, pulling me gently through warm water. My imagination flashes to the form of a long tadpole-snake, wiggling and slithering. Wow, if I were to have a body behind this head, it would be gracefully flowing and undulating behind me. I don’t feel any of my skeletal structure to confirm this. What I do sense is being surrounded by a vast Oceanus of life, an amniotic Oneness with what I am swimming in. I feel a teeming connection to ancient life forms, to images of mammals resolving as squid, dolphin, whale, seal, sea lion, otter. My head breaks the surface of the water and something, an aperture? Opens. A great spurt of spent air is exhausted and a rapid deep inhale is made, and I dive deeply back under. Blowhole in the top of my head, wow.

I feel the mother of the sea cradling me, caressing me to her bosom, birthing me through this amniotic seascape. I feel the vast ocean as an overwhelming felt presence of gratitude and my heart opens to take everything in …

“The world is a much safer and infinitely richer place than living in your self-constructed mental super fortress” the voice says again. And then it says, you’ve been taken through a rapid evolution of life in the seas, and now it is your turn again to again come alive, in this bipedal body. You are coming again to the shore, that millennia ago life crawled from. Take hold of this solid ground that you are again choosing to walk confidently upon. We creatures of the sea love you. We count on you to bring conscious awareness to life above the water line. Bless you. Walk tall and confident in the radiant light as well as your cast out shadows that brought you to us again. Now, take a deep breath and relax before you open your eyes.

I comply and follow my breath inward and then out deeply and I open my eyes and find that I have to blink several times as everything is seemingly out of focus. Another deep breath and this begins to bring some focus. Mmmm. I am staring at a close up of something round, slightly indented, a bit hairy, smudged with loam. It is a … hairy naval? Wow. I breathe again and hmmm, the naval rises a bit towards my face and then it recedes in synchronization to my breath. I realize that could perhaps be my naval?

I cast my eyes down and to my surprise I see in rather dim light, something like a chest. Disorientation catches me by surprise and my mind tilts slightly. I close my eyes and breath deeply for several breaths. The voice within says “everything is always based upon perspective and orientation. Sometimes when things are turned topsy-turvey, we can see new beginnings.”

My head is upside down. Right. Now, still not opening my eyes, I send out feelers to bring sensation and feedback from my body. Ahhh, my body is no longer cold or numb and it responds with a flood of feelings, including tingling in all my extremities. I will my fingers to gently massage my head and I become aware that it is my hands that are holding my head, upside down. My breathing is shallow and my chest feels deflated and compressed. An inner felt presence resonates and flows through my body, bringing with it warm, channeled energy from my central heart core.

“Your body-mind-emotions are interfacing now in much more obvious and interactive way. This is to assist you become more aware of yourself as a multi-dimensional being. It will also help you heal yourself much more rapidly. It works something like this: When your stored emotional baggage surfaces, these hi-jackings will become much more obvious in disturbing your physiology, giving you instant access to cause and effect.”

Intellectually this is making perfect sense, but I sense I need a concrete visual and felt example to bring the concept home. The inner felt presence suggests “indeed, you will. Slowly begin raising your head with your hands, remembering to breath and then begin engaging your neck and back muscles – but very, very slowly”.

As I do this, I open my eyes and my vision begins to pivot from my naval, down to the ground and then I am slowly seeing the horizon and really now feeling my neck and back muscles and the beginnings of feeling my spine and rib cage. Over the next several minutes I am able to raise my head directly above my shoulders and it now stabilizes with the assistance of all my muscles and tendons welcoming me with a warmth and deliciousness I’ve never known before. Or, am I just remembering how in touch I was with my body when I was a young child?

I am now being shown a slow motion replay on the inside of my eyelids of what my body just went through. I am watching what looks like a miraculous contortionist Circ de Soleil act with my body unraveling and re-inflating. This cannot be my body, I’ve always been stiff as a rail.

The inner voice replies “This is the work-in-process you. You are rewriting and revising your DNA. The oceanic voyage you traveled through reawakened in you the stored multiverse of ancient life form DNA you share with all creatures. Your body is now a dynamic composite of all life, capable, at this time, of modest realignment and transformation.

What you just experienced was the result of your stored emotions of fear/anger/grief surfacing and hi-jacking your awareness. Most of the human species believes this store of emotions exists only in their past, but in reality, this energy is stored within your energetic emotional body, with your physical body providing the storage and container. Your revised programming now expresses these emotional disconnects in ways that will allow you to become instantly intimate with. Whereas in the past, you chose to escape into the mind, what you will now be triggering is a brief deformity of the body and then the increased awareness to reconnect to the body, feel you emotional disconnects, heal yourself and have the feedback of the body realigning to assist you in this process. As you master the skills to place your awareness back into the body and reclaim your cast-out emotions, you will honor the emotional-mental-body wounded-ness you are carrying with you and you will integrate this and heal yourself.

You are currently activating and rewriting about twice your DNA. Most of this is being done through increased activation in the right brain, however, considerable bandwidth connectivity is also occurring between the right brain and your heart. As you learn to control your shift into unconscious stored pain and back out again, all of these will become very natural to you.

My memory of my father and my annihilation is a cooling lump in my chest, like an almost fully melted ice cube.

“Would you like to begin healing this emotional-mental-physical illness?” Yes, I say, and I immediately know that this is done by surrendering to my heart and using the gift of forgiveness. My inner voice begins and I am speaking these words in unison “I forgive myself for buying into the emotional and mental pain that has covered this planet and being passed down from generation to generation. I forgive myself for blaming my dad for passing down his inherited pain to me, and I forgive myself for passing this pain on to others, infecting them and their lives.” And the resonance that is returned from speaking this blessing carries the words “this world was never out to punish or persecute me. This was part of my indoctrination into this world and the grip that fear/anger/grief has on the emotional and mental bodies of almost every human. This pain is an ancient survival energy, easily tripped and re-armed in childhood, waiting to be born and cripple its host again, to infect the innocence and open heart of all young children. It has been essential that you become infected and struggle with this disease. Only recently have humans been activating their awareness and invoking the ancient rites of passage to bring integrative healing. You are welcomed into this interim rite of passage.”

Interim?

Yes, the you and your experience in this world is phase-shifted so as to co-exist with the you in the world you have awakened from. When you have been fully indoctrinated in this world and have completed your healing, the awakened and healed you will be introduced back into the world you came from. Enough questions for now, however. The answers will come to you naturally through your experiences here.

What have you learned thus far?

That if I become lost in my stored, emotionally charged memories, my body will contract and collapse, reminding me that I’ve left my body and have taken up refuge in my mind.

Yes, exactly! What else?

Until I honor and experience the stored emotional energies through feeling them fully, I will continue to sabotage my body.

Indeed.

Is there anything else you can share with me?

Yes. Before long, you will meet others like you. There will be many experiences, each stirring up latent emotions in you and you in them. Your quest will be to relearn how to become intimate with yourself, while you are also being intimate with another. This will be the most challenging work you have ever undertaken.

Unbeknownst to me, a phase shift occurs and the me back on the conventional earth experience is sitting in a Satsang. My right brain is being teased and activated. I sit and marinate in these feelings. Later that night, I put into words these feelings and write poetry that actually surprises me, as it is a slight departure from what normally rolls out of me. I wonder, what really is going on under the hood of this me that is opening up to so much that was once hidden?

YUMMY IN THE TUMMY OF LOVE
© 2009 Howard McQueen

I am feeling more than just a little bit giddy
being in the presence of Love
with all of you.

It stirs up song, holding hands, hugging and kissing, waltzing,
giving in, completely and totally,
to the service of whatever needs doing in Love’s kitchen.

There is no rhyme, reason or meaning to be had from Loving.
It is a luscious, in-light-en-ing, in the body experiencing.
It is rubbing the love-of-self balm all over your insides
until you quiver and tingle on the outside,
and all your cares of self wash away in jubilation
and celebration
whilst being swept into a giddy reverence,
a sacred sweaty river dance,
in the full moon light
expressing love
unconditionally,
irreverently,
boldly,
quietly,
giggling sometimes
and sometimes slack jawed
and speechless at the profound liberation
for witnessing love and joy bloom
in another,
even if but for
a few seconds …

We children-of-love, we don’t discern seconds,
we live in the timeless envelop of love and joy.
And, in our reckless abandonment of all the rules, regs, policies and procedures,
we are a beacon, encouraging others to come home to roost in the sweet innocence of play.

Love demands that we let go and completely surrender
everything false:
Pride,
age,
shame,
blame,
all habits,
including the manufacturing of revenue;
and the baked in mis-representations and gospels of our culture.

All this held-in-evidence, Love cleanses and sets on fire,
Inviting us to put everything personal aside
and just glow
and quiver
and be completely vulnerable
and clueless
and Innocent
and blissfully ignorant;
empty of answers to all the wrong questions.

Like “what’s going to happen to me in the future”
or
“what will others think of me”.

Love invites a pure, clean letting go of the future,
Love removes all bookmarks and road-blocks stored in the past.
We are invited into the complete unknowing of the moment
to die and be carried by the universal vibration and current of Love.

Love asks everything, the complete 100% of you.
Will you surrender to the embrace of Love and give it all up?
The world is re-forming, awakening in you
the invitation to step into “making it all up,
a fresh beginning, a starting all over again”.

It just might be the yummiest undoing of your life!

~ ~ ~
;-) Dang, Love done come up and just plum swallowed me whole!!!

(to be continued …)