Asheville Sangha

Supporting Non-Duality and Awakening in Asheville and Beyond

(C) 2009 Howard McQueen

Every time we encounter our shadow, we are standing on the brink of a threshold.

We feel discomfort, we become short of breath, we shrink, we become numb, filled with anxiety. We feel very compelled to manufacture something to distract us from our discomfort.

A female friend and I were out having lunch recently, enjoying ourselves immensely, celebrating the continued unfolding of our natural, loving friendship.

We were sitting outside and she asked the waiter where the restrooms were. He escorted her inside to the restrooms. She came back out with a slip of paper that he had handed her that contained his name and phone number.

My friend has a very solid spiritual relationship with her husband. She also professes to be quite naïve when it comes to men choosing to put her in the spotlight of attention. She has this slip of paper, kind of hiding it under the table as she tells me about the encounter. She is going into her slightly confused and small little girl persona (like someone in fifth grade who was passed a secret note and the teacher is on to the note). There is conflict arising in her.

I suggest that we do a bit of role playing. She agrees so I immediately accept the role of her and she accepts the role of the waiter. I take the note with the name and phone number into my hands.

I (as her) say to her (as the waiter) “I’m a bit naïve when men show interest in me and am wondering if you could tell me a bit more about your intentions for handing me the note with your phone number?”

She (as the waiter) says “Because I find you attractive and would like to get to know you better”.

I (as her) say to her (as the waiter) “I’m very happily married; however I am open to authentic friendships”. Is this something you might be interested in?”


Our role playing stops -- as she pulls the slip of paper from my hand and resolutely heads towards the restaurant entrance muttering “I am out of my comfort zone doing this”.

She returns from her encounter and tells me that she entered into conversation with our waiter and told him that she was naïve and was curious as to his intentions for handing her the note. He said that he found her attractive and wanted to know if he could call her sometime. She informed him that she was happily married, but would be open to a friendship. She mentioned that as she delivered her “happily married status” information, he sort of “winced”.

I asked her if she could feel into reading more of the energetic signature surrounding his wince. She paused and felt it contained surprise/shock/disappointment. She then remembers saying to him “I find you very sweet”, passing to him a pure and genuine emotion, reaching back into a space of kindness.

However, even after this conversation between the two of them has played out, and she is back at the table reciting this story to me, she still has the note firmly gripped in her hand and still feels compelled to want to do something more, i.e. to extend herself in some way.

I say to her that from my perspective, what she has described of the conversation with the waiter, has come to a very natural conclusion -- and that it was clean and there were no loose ends. I was of the opinion that the waiter was given clear signals that she was indeed not available and that he would moderate his expectations accordingly.

She was thinking that she still owed him a phone call, or something …

What is in play here is our tendency, when our system is under pressure, to manufacture something to add on to the experience. We delude ourselves into thinking the experience was lacking or incomplete, when in reality we kind of checked out and were not present for the full experience. It is the inner awkwardness asserting itself. In the original energetic response (when my friend felt small and constricted) the shadow gravity force was shrinking her and occupying that vacated space.

She has a big heart and lots of compassion, and would like to spare others the painful feelings of rejection. She knows that this projected rejection lives and arises first within her energy field.

What I find marvelous about her is her ability to step up in the moment and do the work, i.e. stop talking and analyzing and go explore and face her awkwardness and discomfort --- allow the vulnerability to be experienced and more fully felt.

We feel very fragile during these exchanges. Someone (perhaps both individuals) may inevitably “wince” as pull-backs are triggered from the discomfort. The important thing is to be as aware and present to the moment when these energetic reactions arise. Either right then and/or shortly thereafter, feel into the emotional charges and experiences that create the pressure to alter (shrink) yourself. Remember that when you shrink yourself, the default response is to manufacture something to stand in for your misplaced fullness.

In truth, we are seldom as vulnerable as it may appear (or we feel). When we use the tools of honesty, natural inquiry and open conversation, bridges form, allowing two individuals the space to begin communicating in an increasingly intimate exchange.

It sometimes helps to have a coach, silently rooting from your corner. You’ve got to go into the ring alone, but a coach / advocate (even if virtual) is a blessing, so long as they insist that you do the work and that they remain humble facilitators. I get a lot of satisfaction sharing friendship with her, as she has an extremely well-developed spirit-warrior heroine persona, always ready and willing to walk through whatever fear arises!

What a wonderful way to get on with the work of healing yourself. You may find that you also indirectly aid the other person you are sharing awkwardness with, as your frankness, candor and warming to the truth can often cause them to step up to being authentic in the moment.

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